Category Archives: 12 Step Recovery

Family Types

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Recovery Blog. Entry #3


Families where Adult Children are raised don’t all look alike. But the common theme is an experience of shame and abandonment.

In addition to homes where alcoholism or other addiction is present, other families may experience:

  • Mentally ill parent/parents.
  • Hypochondriac parent/parents. 
  • Militaristic discipline, ritualistic beliefs – religious or otherwise, harsh punishment, and extreme secretiveness or sadistic overtones.
  • Sexual abuse, overtly such as incest, or covertly such as an oversexualized environment that includes inappropriate touch or dress by the parent/parents.
  • Perfectionism that creates overly high expectations with praise typically tied to an accomplishment rather than given freely.

Other examples include, foster homes or families that experienced divorce. Children raised in these environments often strongly identify with the ACA traits and feelings of shame, confusion, and abandonment.  There are many other family types or combinations of types that can produce ACAs, therefore, your specific family type may not be listed here.

All Adult Children and their voices can seek safety in ACA.
We welcome you!

I mentioned that people recovering seek A Safe Place. I was countered and invalidated.

Because BAPTISTS cannot get their head around the fact that their God-Accursed Church they love so much SHAMES THE HELL OUT OF ADULT CHILDREN. With FAKE Shame. Thats the sad part. It is not real shame. There is such a thing as real shame before God. But having boozer parents of mentally ill parents *isnt* real shame. God doesnt call it sin because our family was sick. Its not *our* sin anyway. But the church has this one-size-fits-all-shrink-wrap-attitude. thats why they are not safe.

OK, I am softening that viewpoint over time. I cringe at the “know it all” attitude that comes out of their doctrine. They really do seem to think everyone on earth has their same experience. But thats just not true. I don’t care. They have “their stuff”. I have “my stuff”. I think they are conflating their domains of personal knowledge with domains of Christian doctrine. I know the reformed people see them as weird and so do catholics. Explain that! I am not allowed by them (baptists) to have a different religion. Romans 14 might apply here.




Sequence of ACA Recovery

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Recovery Blog, Entry #2.

Not everyone recovers using the same path, at the same rate, or using the same methodology.   The following 12 Step type sequence has helped millions in various recovery programs. 

  • Hitting bottom /Asking for and accepting help
  • Admitting powerlessness and unmanageability
  • Becoming open to spirituality and a spiritual solution
  • Getting honest / Inventorying our past
  • Telling our story openly and honestly with another
  • Humbly seeking the removal of shortcomings
  • Finding self-forgiveness
  • Making amends to those harmed
  • Continuing inventory of daily thoughts and behavior
  • Finding discernment
  • Meditating and seeking spiritual direction
  • Practicing love and self-love
  • Carrying the message of recovery to others

Where I am at:
Asking for Help + Admitting powerlessness and unmanageability + Becoming open to spirituality and a spiritual solution + Getting honest / Inventorying our past + Telling our story openly and honestly with another



In the future:
Humbly seeking the removal of shortcomings + Finding self-forgiveness + Making amends to those harmed + Continuing inventory of daily thoughts and behavior

Comments:

Here is the relationship with Christianity:
Continuing inventory of daily thoughts and behavior is what Christians call their daily walk with God. Theologically it is called “Experiential Sanctification”, which means the Holy Spirit convicts us of out sins, then we repent and ask god for forgiveness and help, and God washed us.

It has not been clear to me that Christians can take the Christian experience of and refer to it as “Continuing inventory”, IE, one of the Steps. My experience is that Christians (I mean church people) seem to be unaware of 12 Step terminology. So far, in church 12 step groups, there still seems to be a disconnect. I shall have to wait and see. But this is just standard Christian stuff – there is nothing different about it other than Christians want to use “church-ese” as a language and turn stupid if you speak “recovery language”. Seems to me like Adult Children and Alanon are INVISIBLE to Church people. I hope I am wrong.

I personally want to talk recovery. I want to be out of the closet on that. I get the feelijg thats not acceptable at a baptist church.

What about Drugs?
If you take anti-anxiety meds, dare you tell anyone at church? I get PUSHBACK. Like “don’t trust medical people” and “Dont let them medicate you”.

OK, if my brain doesn’t have serotonin, or is out of balance on dopamine, WHY is that some kind of a moral issue? THATS CRAZY.

Nobody at church tells me not to take Ozempic or insulin or metformin for diabetes. I just feel like church people have a one-size-fits-all attitude toward life solutions. This really grates. ITS PART OF WHY CHURCH IS NOT SAFE.

Oh! I got chided for saying church is not safe. But the leader of a church based 12 step group.
ME NOT HAPPY.


The Invisible People At Church

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What makes the church EVIL to me: Here it is in a nutshell.

1. When you are an addict (using an addictive substance like alcohol)
AA is appropriate.

2. When you have a family member who is an addict and drives the whole family crazy: Alanon is appropriate for relatives of addicts.

There are third and fourth categories:

3. When your parents were “users”: Adult Children of Addicts is appropriate. Its not that you have a family member “using” right now. Its that you have ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) and ACA is the appropriate group.

4. What if “religion” and “religiosity” were the addictions? Or any other weird non-normative weirdness (Shame? Incest? Sexual abuse? Emotional abuse?) Not addictive substances?

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families is the appropriate group. ACDF. That’s also ACA.

Church doesn’t care about the difference between any of these things. They think you are all drunks and treat you that way. Shame on you. If you just stop sinning all will be well. ITS A LIE.