Falling Apart Quietly

Seven ways men look stable while quietly falling apart.
From JR McGregor.

1. He functions, but he doesn’t feel alive Gets up. Works. Provides. Shows up.

Still feels numb most days. Like he’s running a life on autopilot that he never consciously chose.

2. He tells everyone he’s fine because explaining feels harder Not lying. Just tired.

If he starts talking, he doesn’t know where it will go. So he keeps it short. Keeps it light. Keeps it moving.

3. He stays busy so the silence can’t catch him Work. Gym. Projects. Fixing things that don’t matter.

As long as there’s noise, nothing has space to ask him the questions he’s avoiding.

4. He laughs a lot, but sleeps badly Easy with jokes. Easy with banter. Hard alone at night.

Mind racing. Chest tight. Thinking about everything he hasn’t said and everything he doesn’t understand about himself.

5. He’s reliable for everyone except himself Keeps promises to work. To family. To partners.

Breaks every promise he makes to his own body, his own needs, his own life. Then wonders why he feels invisible.

6. He hasn’t cried in years but feels heavy all the time Not dramatic sadness. Just a constant weight. Pressure in the chest. Short temper. Low patience.

Grief that never found a way out.

7. He has a quiet fear that this isn’t the life he’s meant to be living Not because it’s bad. Because it doesn’t feel like his.

Like he stepped into a role before he ever figured out who he actually was.

And here’s the part no one tells men.

You don’t fall apart loudly. You fall apart slowly.

By functioning. By coping. By surviving. By calling it adulthood.

If you’re reading this and felt uncomfortable instead of offended, DM me HEAL

That’s usually where a man finally admits he’s not broken… he’s just been carrying too much alone.

Family Types

Recovery Blog. Entry #3


Families where Adult Children are raised don’t all look alike. But the common theme is an experience of shame and abandonment.

In addition to homes where alcoholism or other addiction is present, other families may experience:

  • Mentally ill parent/parents.
  • Hypochondriac parent/parents. 
  • Militaristic discipline, ritualistic beliefs – religious or otherwise, harsh punishment, and extreme secretiveness or sadistic overtones.
  • Sexual abuse, overtly such as incest, or covertly such as an oversexualized environment that includes inappropriate touch or dress by the parent/parents.
  • Perfectionism that creates overly high expectations with praise typically tied to an accomplishment rather than given freely.

Other examples include, foster homes or families that experienced divorce. Children raised in these environments often strongly identify with the ACA traits and feelings of shame, confusion, and abandonment.  There are many other family types or combinations of types that can produce ACAs, therefore, your specific family type may not be listed here.

All Adult Children and their voices can seek safety in ACA.
We welcome you!

I mentioned that people recovering seek A Safe Place. I was countered and invalidated.

Because BAPTISTS cannot get their head around the fact that their God-Accursed Church they love so much SHAMES THE HELL OUT OF ADULT CHILDREN. With FAKE Shame. Thats the sad part. It is not real shame. There is such a thing as real shame before God. But having boozer parents of mentally ill parents *isnt* real shame. God doesnt call it sin because our family was sick. Its not *our* sin anyway. But the church has this one-size-fits-all-shrink-wrap-attitude. thats why they are not safe.

OK, I am softening that viewpoint over time. I cringe at the “know it all” attitude that comes out of their doctrine. They really do seem to think everyone on earth has their same experience. But thats just not true. I don’t care. They have “their stuff”. I have “my stuff”. I think they are conflating their domains of personal knowledge with domains of Christian doctrine. I know the reformed people see them as weird and so do catholics. Explain that! I am not allowed by them (baptists) to have a different religion. Romans 14 might apply here.




Sequence of ACA Recovery

Recovery Blog, Entry #2.

Not everyone recovers using the same path, at the same rate, or using the same methodology.   The following 12 Step type sequence has helped millions in various recovery programs. 

  • Hitting bottom /Asking for and accepting help
  • Admitting powerlessness and unmanageability
  • Becoming open to spirituality and a spiritual solution
  • Getting honest / Inventorying our past
  • Telling our story openly and honestly with another
  • Humbly seeking the removal of shortcomings
  • Finding self-forgiveness
  • Making amends to those harmed
  • Continuing inventory of daily thoughts and behavior
  • Finding discernment
  • Meditating and seeking spiritual direction
  • Practicing love and self-love
  • Carrying the message of recovery to others

Where I am at:
Asking for Help + Admitting powerlessness and unmanageability + Becoming open to spirituality and a spiritual solution + Getting honest / Inventorying our past + Telling our story openly and honestly with another



In the future:
Humbly seeking the removal of shortcomings + Finding self-forgiveness + Making amends to those harmed + Continuing inventory of daily thoughts and behavior

Comments:

Here is the relationship with Christianity:
Continuing inventory of daily thoughts and behavior is what Christians call their daily walk with God. Theologically it is called “Experiential Sanctification”, which means the Holy Spirit convicts us of out sins, then we repent and ask god for forgiveness and help, and God washed us.

It has not been clear to me that Christians can take the Christian experience of and refer to it as “Continuing inventory”, IE, one of the Steps. My experience is that Christians (I mean church people) seem to be unaware of 12 Step terminology. So far, in church 12 step groups, there still seems to be a disconnect. I shall have to wait and see. But this is just standard Christian stuff – there is nothing different about it other than Christians want to use “church-ese” as a language and turn stupid if you speak “recovery language”. Seems to me like Adult Children and Alanon are INVISIBLE to Church people. I hope I am wrong.

I personally want to talk recovery. I want to be out of the closet on that. I get the feelijg thats not acceptable at a baptist church.

What about Drugs?
If you take anti-anxiety meds, dare you tell anyone at church? I get PUSHBACK. Like “don’t trust medical people” and “Dont let them medicate you”.

OK, if my brain doesn’t have serotonin, or is out of balance on dopamine, WHY is that some kind of a moral issue? THATS CRAZY.

Nobody at church tells me not to take Ozempic or insulin or metformin for diabetes. I just feel like church people have a one-size-fits-all attitude toward life solutions. This really grates. ITS PART OF WHY CHURCH IS NOT SAFE.

Oh! I got chided for saying church is not safe. But the leader of a church based 12 step group.
ME NOT HAPPY.


The Invisible People At Church

What makes the church EVIL to me: Here it is in a nutshell.

1. When you are an addict (using an addictive substance like alcohol)
AA is appropriate.

2. When you have a family member who is an addict and drives the whole family crazy: Alanon is appropriate for relatives of addicts.

There are third and fourth categories:

3. When your parents were “users”: Adult Children of Addicts is appropriate. Its not that you have a family member “using” right now. Its that you have ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) and ACA is the appropriate group.

4. What if “religion” and “religiosity” were the addictions? Or any other weird non-normative weirdness (Shame? Incest? Sexual abuse? Emotional abuse?) Not addictive substances?

Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families is the appropriate group. ACDF. That’s also ACA.

Church doesn’t care about the difference between any of these things. They think you are all drunks and treat you that way. Shame on you. If you just stop sinning all will be well. ITS A LIE.

Is your pronoun XY?

#DarwinCancelled? 😉

A post I saw today from a dentist says,

I am a practicing Dentist, but also a biology major. I do believe there are just two biological sexes: XX and XY. That is not a theory it is a fact. Gender issues are social constructs to normalize behavior. Darwin would have said: survival of the species selects for the strong biological sexes.

Neurodiversity. Brains that think differently.


Interesting article.

Some people, says Winter, only tend to do what they’re interested in – “what lights up our brains” – which causes them to de-prioritise other urgent tasks.

“ADHD traits can be really badly misinterpreted,” says Shelford. “If I struggle with timeliness, you’re going to think I don’t care about my job. If I forget something, you might just conclude I’m dumb.” 


I am a neurodivergent person. I have INTP and HSP characteristics. When writing code I often write code for a solid 4 hours without looking up or even getting a drink. That’s called “concentrating” or “thinking” and what I cannot stand is an “agile” office environment where I am interrupted every 5 minutes. It takes 20 minutes for a brain to start “concentrating”. In today’s corporate offices they won’t let you do that. They think you need to “interact” to be productive, not “think.” So most employers actually paid me $$$ to not give them my brain power.

I cannot tolerate dances, loud music, parties, or crowds. After 15 minutes my brain just switches off. And I am bored and disconnected and lonely in a crowd. It is very disturbing.

This is a standard HSP characteristic.