12 Steps

Step One. We admitted we are powerless over our dependencies. That our lives had become unmanageable.

Have I hit bottom? What does bottom look like?

Here is what I am reading:

Hitting bottom physically: High blood pressure, sleeplessness, chronic headaches may be symptoms you are not doing well physically. In my case I had high liver enzymes, high blood pressure, diabetes, anxiety, depression, fatigue, insomnia, and many other symptoms. Is it unmanageable?

Emotional bottom: Anxiety, depression, anger, rage, hopelessness, bitterness, self mutilation, panic attacks. Is it unmanageable?

Relational bottom: Fights with spouse. Fights with friends. Loss of friends. Failing social life. Hatred of family. Hatred of church. Broken relationships with children. Is it unmanageable?

Spiritual bottom: Recurring questions such as “Is this all there is? “What’s the purpose of it all?” “Who am I? Where am I going?” “Do I have any value?” “Why don’t I care about anything?” “Can’t I just die and have it over with?” Thoughts like: “God hates me!” “I am cursed.” Is it unmanageable?

Circumstantial bottom: Job loss, shuffled aside at work, dissatisfaction with career, feeling stuck. Don’t have any of that – doing ok with money.

I’d say circumstances are A-OK, I am not at a bottom. But in my case retirement leaves me dry, listless, and useless. I don’t enjoy anything. Everything I want to do – somebody else doesn’t want me to. Being retired really sucks. It is unmanageable. There is no such thing as fun. Retirement is like a death curse.

I come from a family of multi-generational chemical and alcohol dependence. What are the chances that I am going to have addiction problems? When addicted is it out of control and unmanageable? I’m not even sure I can identify addictions. I dont smoke, drink, gamble and I don’t want to be around people who do.

Still ….