About this wisdom and good deeds thing spoke of in the bible. Having proper boundaries is a good thing. Not having them, and letting others violate your boundaries in order to “just get along” actually harms them. You need to be able to speak the truth and tell others when they violate your boundaries. And when they are being inappropriate. Otherwise you are not promoting goodness, you are promoting confusion and dysfunction.
Shame driven families are families where boundaries are not allowed, and truth is not allowed, and secrets are kept and shame is brushed under the rug. This isn’t a good life, rather it is a miserable life that leads to despair.
From the book of James in the Bible.
Two Kinds of Wisdom
13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.